Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I’ve been accused of many things during my time writing here at Eyeball Circus. Being too good at lovemaking. Having fists far too dangerous to be out in public. Getting Glenn Beck’s mom pregnant on 19 different occasions. I’ve had all manner of horrible and completely true indictments carelessly hurled at me. Additionally, you could say that I’ve been flippant in the past about describing something as ‘the stupidest thing I’ve ever read’. Well, all that ends today. I’d like to present you with a line-by-line analysis of what is, without question, the most batshit insane, ill-reasoned, stupid fucking thing I’ve ever read. Enter this article titled “The 3 Letter Word That Cuts Women Down Every Day” by a young woman named Cameron Schaeffer. In the interest of not spoiling the adventure we’re about to embark on together, let’s just jump right in. Her words are in italics, my responses are normal. She begins: Continue reading
Good afternoon Eyeball Circus readers. I have a riddle for you! What’s stupid, abundant, and gets more annoying every time you hear about them? No, for once I’m not talking about Rick Santorum’s army of idiot kids. I’m talking about conspiracy theories. Continue reading
As some longtime readers might know, back in the very early days of Eyeball Circus posts came every Monday instead of Sunday. Well, due to some recent changes in my employment, I'm announcing now that I'll be officially returning to that original update schedule. Eyeball Circus will continue to update once a week as usual, with new articles arriving every Monday, starting tomorrow. In the mean time, click the links on the right to browse through my massive back catalog if you're in dire need of jokes immediately.
Your internet's most trusted certified humor technician,
– Chris Cadaver
Readers, I have fantastic news! The New Horizons space probe recently completed its fly-by of Pluto, capturing breathtaking pictures of this little understood part of our solar system. Also, I have some terrible news: idiots on the internet are ruining everything. Enter an article on Yahoo news that discusses the photos, in which a researcher is quoted as calling them 'beautiful eye candy'. As usual, staring into the comment section is staring into the unblinking eye of madness, and I'd like to take you on a field trip there. Let's see what all the uneducated malcontents of the world have to say about these astonishing photos. They seem to fit nicely into five categories