8 Tips For When Your Wife Refuses To Sleep With You

     Guys of the world, what should you do if your wife suddenly stops backing that thing up on you?  Some of you are probably coming up with obvious solutions like ‘give her a massage to get her in the mood’ or ‘try to line up your monthly shower with her menstrual cycle’.  Apparently, the answer isn’t all that simple.  Enter this article titled “8 Steps To Confront Your Wife’s Sexual Refusal“, which purports to solve this very conundrum while staying within the boundaries of good ‘ol Christian morality.  Of course, therein lies the problem.  Christians have more hangups and misconceptions about sex than a virgin whose only interactions with women have been dissecting them.  So without further ado, let’s see what this nutjob author has to say on the matter: Continue reading

50 Things Every Boring, Empty-Headed Man Should Own

     Good afternoon readers!  Like all stupid men of the world, I spend most of my waking hours wondering if I’m being a ‘man’ correctly.  Luckily, there’s no shortage of online resources to turn to if your man-o-meter is perpetually stuck on ‘not quite man’.  Enter this dumbshit article titled ‘50 Things Every Man Should Own‘ that finally gives us a checklist to masculinity, because masculinity is something you achieve through purchasing items.  There’s nothing about qualities men should strive toward or noble pursuits men should undertake to better themselves, it’s just a goddamn shopping list. Continue reading

100+ Stupid And Terrible Reasons To Have Children

     Today at Eyeball Circus, I’d like to speak to you all about the wonder of children.  As I’m sure the sexiest among you remember, I long ago authored the definitive text on the proper way to raise a child.  Well, it seems there’s still a core question about kids that I left unanswered:  should you have them in the first place?  Probably not, I’d guess.  Regardless, I stumbled upon this gem of an article titled ‘100+ Reasons To Have Children‘ that’s every bit as saccharine as it is misinformed.  I’m not saying the author is crazy, but it reads less like a loving account of her children’s lives and more like Stockholm syndrome.  So, let’s see what she’s got to say and maybe together we’ll decide whether or not kids are worth it: Continue reading